If you’re here, you’re trying. That matters.
Perimenopause can be disorienting for partners too. The person you know seems different. Things that used to work don’t anymore. You might feel rejected, confused, helpless, or resentful. You might be making things worse without meaning to.
This section is an attempt to help you understand what’s happening—and what actually helps.
The Hard Truth First
Your partner isn’t choosing this. She can’t will herself to feel differently. The changes in her mood, energy, desire, and body are physiological, not personal—even when they feel very personal to you.
This isn’t about you. And also: your experience matters too.
Both things are true.
If You’ve Been Here Before
If you’ve navigated the postpartum period together, you may recognize this territory.
The parallels are striking: hormonal upheaval, exhaustion, a body that doesn’t feel familiar, desire that’s gone missing, a partner who needs patience you may not have. And the same temptation: when can things go back to normal?
Here’s what matters: the patterns you established postpartum will likely repeat now.
If you learned then that patience, non-pressuring presence, and letting go of expectations actually worked—that your relationship came through stronger when you stopped pursuing and started supporting—you have a template. Use it. This is that, again, in a different form.
But if what “worked” postpartum was sulking until she gave in, keeping score until guilt produced compliance, or simply waiting impatiently until her body recovered enough to resume service—you’re about to try that playbook again. And it won’t work any better this time. In fact, it may work worse. Perimenopause isn’t a temporary disruption with a clear end date. It’s a transition that lasts years. The pressure tactics that maybe got tolerated in the fog of new parenthood will corrode a relationship over a decade.
If postpartum was hard for your relationship—if there are things you wish you’d done differently—this is another chance. You can learn now what you didn’t learn then. You can choose patience this time.
And if you don’t have the postpartum experience to draw from, consider this: the same thing that new parents often get wrong, partners of perimenopausal women get wrong. The “but I have needs” that centers your experience. The desire to return to a “normal” that may not exist anymore. The frustration that becomes pressure that becomes aversion.
The lesson is the same: you can’t pressure your way back to how things were. You can only be present for how things are.
Understanding Desire
This may be the most important section here.
Desire Isn’t a Faucet
You cannot turn desire on by wanting it to be on. Neither can she. Desire is a response to internal and external conditions, not an act of will.
During perimenopause, the hormonal conditions that create spontaneous desire (the wanting that comes “out of nowhere”) often disappear—sometimes entirely. This isn’t low effort. It’s an absence of the internal experience itself.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Spontaneous desire: The urge appears first, arousal follows. This is what our culture treats as “normal.”
Responsive desire: Arousal comes first (through touch, connection, context), and desire may follow. Equally normal, but less discussed.
Many people—especially during perimenopause—experience primarily responsive desire. This means:
- She may not “want to” beforehand
- Interest may emerge during intimacy, not before
- The right conditions are essential
- Pressure and pursuit shut it down
Why Pursuit Backfires
When you pursue, initiate, ask, hint, or express frustration about lack of sex, you may be:
- Adding pressure (the opposite of what responsive desire needs)
- Creating an obligation (which kills desire)
- Making her feel broken or inadequate
- Triggering aversion instead of interest
The cruel irony: the more you try, the worse it often gets.
What Actually Helps
- Take intercourse off the table—paradoxically, removing the goal can create space
- Focus on connection without agenda—touch that isn’t going anywhere
- Create low-pressure conditions—relaxation, safety, no expectations
- Let her initiate—when she’s ready, if she’s ready
- Believe her—when she says she can’t generate desire, believe her
There’s more on the physiology of what’s happening in the libido section.
Beyond Sex: What She Needs
Believe Her Experience
When she says she’s exhausted, foggy, aching, or overwhelmed—she is. These aren’t excuses. They’re symptoms of a significant biological transition.
“You seem fine to me” isn’t reassuring. It’s invalidating.
Don’t Try to Fix It
Your instinct may be to solve problems. But:
- She doesn’t need you to fix her—she isn’t broken
- She may need to vent without receiving solutions
- Ask: “Do you want me to listen or help problem-solve?”
- Sometimes presence is enough
Handle Your Own Feelings
You’re allowed to have feelings about this. Frustration, grief, loneliness, confusion—these are valid. But:
- She can’t be your only support for feelings about her
- Find other outlets—friends, therapist, support groups
- Don’t make her responsible for managing your emotions about her symptoms
Take Things Off Her Plate
If she’s carrying the mental load of the household—the remembering, planning, managing—this is invisible labor that exhausts. Taking things on without being asked is more valuable than asking “how can I help?”
What Not to Do
- Don’t take rejection personally—it’s not about you
- Don’t sulk or withdraw—this adds pressure and guilt
- Don’t keep score—“it’s been X weeks” creates obligation, not desire
- Don’t suggest she “just try”—this implies she isn’t trying
- Don’t compare to before—she knows. She may be grieving it too.
- Don’t imply she’s overreacting—hormonal doesn’t mean not real
- Don’t offer unsolicited solutions—especially about her body
Taking Care of Yourself
This is hard for you too. That’s allowed.
- Your need for connection is valid
- Your feelings of rejection hurt, even if they’re not personal
- You may need to grieve changes in your relationship
- You deserve support—find it in appropriate places
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. You can’t support her if you’re depleted.
But: centering your needs over her experience isn’t partnership. Finding the balance is the work.
Staying Connected
Intimacy isn’t only sex. Connection can look like:
- Physical affection without agenda (holding hands, cuddling, massage)
- Quality time—actual presence, not just proximity
- Acts of care—noticing what she needs before she asks
- Words—expressing love and appreciation (and meaning them)
- Patience—being in this with her for however long it takes
Some couples find that navigating perimenopause together deepens their relationship. It requires communication, flexibility, and a willingness to let go of how things “should” be.
A Note on Resentment
If you’re feeling resentful—of the changes, of doing more, of the lack of sex, of feeling like you can’t do anything right—that resentment will leak out. It will create distance. It will make things worse.
Resentment is a signal that something needs attention. That might mean:
- Having honest conversations (with “I feel” statements, not accusations)
- Adjusting your expectations
- Getting support for yourself
- Couples counseling to navigate together
Letting resentment fester helps no one.
The Long View
Perimenopause is a transition, not a permanent state. It typically lasts 4-10 years. Many symptoms improve in postmenopause.
This is a season. How you navigate it together matters—both for getting through it, and for what your relationship looks like on the other side.
You’re reading this, which means you’re trying. Keep trying. Stay curious. Stay kind.
And if you’ve made mistakes—taken it personally, pursued when you shouldn’t have, expressed frustration in unhelpful ways—you can acknowledge that. Apologize without expectation. Do better going forward.
That’s what partnership is.